Supporting A Loved One With Severe Medical Anxiety

Encouragement, not pressure

There’s a good chance the phobic person in your life already feels enormous pressure to get the procedure done, whatever it may be. The challenge is, phobias thrive on pressure and feelings of being trapped and choiceless. Think of a wild, frightened animal in a corner – that’s probably not how you want your loved one to feel. See if you can resist saying things like “But you have to!” and replace it with words of encouragement, instead.

Invalidation might backfire

Fear exists to keep us safe. If you find yourself suggesting that your loved one’s reaction is silly, or their phobia is over-blown, you might notice that fear increases rather than decreases. That’s because fear defends itself, asserting itself against threats with “yes, but…”. Invalidation will often cause an escalating tug-of-war between you and the phobia, with your loved one caught in the middle. Doesn’t sound very fun or effective, does it? Skip the invalidation. Many people feel embarrassed and misunderstood because of this phobia, and may start to hide it if they feel judged.

You’re a team

Instead of trying to minimize fears, instead try seeing yourself as aligning with your loved one. It is you two versus the anxiety. Try using externalizing language. “The phobia is really giving you a hard time today,” is an example of externalizing language, whereas, “You’re really freaking out today, aren’t you?” makes it seem like your friend and the phobia are one. They’re not. No one would choose this phobia.

The lead-up

Most phobias we don't make an appointment with. No one books an appointment with a snake, spider, or growling dog. The countdown to an appointment can be excruciating, but you also don't want to jump-scare them with an impromptu appointment. Choice is crucial. A couple of days may be sufficient to allow them to prepare, while not being too long of a runway to let them talk themselves out of it. As always, ask them what they would prefer.

At the appointment itself, you may be surprised to find that your loved one wants things to slow down rather than speed up. That’s because a sense of choice and control can help with anxiety. If they consent to it, help advocate to healthcare personnel what your loved one wants.

Watch your own anxiety

Humans are social creatures, and we echo each other’s emotional states. Check in with yourself and see if you might be taking anxiety in, or adding anxiety to the situation. Check the tension in your face and scalp. Check in with your hands – are you wringing them? Check in with your shoulders and neck. Are you breathing? Take care of yourself. This is stressful for you, too.

Get help for you, too

Did you know that many therapists enjoy working with family, friends, partners, caregivers and support people? That’s because many therapists think in systems. Plus, therapists are support people, too, so they get it. A therapist can help you understand and manage your stress around this situation, offer insights and information, and help you feel less isolated. You deserve help, too. And, the support you get will likely benefit your loved one, as well.